Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
