I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
