My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
