even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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