I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
