I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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