You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
