I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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