Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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