Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
