You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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