i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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