Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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