I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
my mouth tastes like poor choices
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
