she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
