i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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