She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
This toilet bowl is my home.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
