dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
