i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
