Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
