just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize