i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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