I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
