I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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