Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
