I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
