After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
