I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
