its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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