i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
