yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
