Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
