she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
