I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm at about main and main street
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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