Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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