i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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