you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
