Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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