I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
