mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
