i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
you traded sex for a burrito?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
