pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I need to wash the frat house off of me
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
