I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
