You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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