I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
