I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
