the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
