So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
