My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
