We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
