I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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