I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
