when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
